Fuzzy brain.. aching heart.. it all adds up.

The past few months.. okay.. 6 months.. I've been busy. I've settled into the city.. I've created a playgroup (which has become super successful). I became a Thirty-One Consultant.. and I work at Old Navy. These things all keep me pretty busy, and while I could easily make time to update my blog.. I forget.. or get preoccupied. Or I do think about it.. but just don't feel there is any REAL update for this particular blog. Recently, I met another mom who has two adopted children.. and I started thinking again.. about a second baby. About how wonderfully blissful and content I would be with another baby. My heart still aches for a second. Most days it's okay, but I see a newborn, or a pregnancy woman, and I want to just take the baby and hold it.. forever.. and then I want to cry. Mind you, I don't just break down into tears right on the spot.. but inside, I'm sobbing. I would prefer to be pregnant again.. because I loved being pregnant.. but the more I think about it.. there are so many babies who need homes. Why couldn't I bring one of them home? I worry if I would be able to bond with an adopted child like I would one I carried.. but I think the bond would be there.. it would just be different, and I would undoubtedly love the child no less than I already love the beautiful daughter I have now. IVF... yeah. I think about all I went through. Do I want to do it again? The meds.. constant bloodwork.. plus driving an hour at 7am just for a 5 second blood workup.. with a toddler in tow.. it's a lot to take on. Physically. Mentally. Even without a toddler to drag along! My daughter is 3 now.. and some days I feel like I must be insane for wanting another child. Seriously. She's stubborn, willful, and super smart. She talks to me like a 5 year old would! The things she says.. kills me! I'm beyond grateful for what I have. I love her, and when she takes her little hands and cups my cheeks, looks at me, then puckers up for a kiss.. my heart just melts. Every.Single.Time. It doesn't matter that just a few minutes prior she had a full-on screaming tantrum over something (most likely me telling her no, or the dog sniffing her toys - she thinks he's gonna eat them!). That doesn't matter.. the sweet loving, moments.. they erase all of that. And I think.. a second one of these.. oh yes, please! I could totally handle it. So.. that's where we are. We are at a crossroads. Hopefully next week I'll be calling Social Services to discuss adoption and speak to someone about what to do to start the process. I've been reading a bit on their website, but for me, it is better if someone could just TELL me. If you have adopted thought about it, or know someone who has.. please leave a comment to discuss! I'm always open to advice, and love hearing others' stories! Because either way we will need money.. I started a fun with ChipIn that will go towards our goal. If you are abe to contribute, that would be a huge blessing. even if it's only $1.

I don't really have a cute title for this, its just a small update, thats all.

It's been a while since I posted. We have moved finally, and have settled into our new home in a new city. We've been here for a couple of weeks.. so far we really love it. I am slowly getting things organized. It sure seems easier after a move.. since I am putting things out as I need them. It means the basement stays cluttered longer, but it's worth my sanity.

The insurance here isn't the greatest. I mean, its good,but Anthem just doesn't have the great coverage that we used to have. I heard great things about Anthem, but really the deductibles and stuff suck, at least the plan they have here for Kevin's job. Of course, this means zero IF coverage. There is a really REALLY good clinic in Charlottesville, so I think I may try to contact them and see about financing, since I have enough meds for a cycle. I know that Shady Grove would cooperate with sending over all the records they need. I don't know if we could even afford it, but I need to figure out my options. We could possibly do part of it with our Flex Spending account next year.. so.. we'll see.

Lately I've been having a difficult time keeping my patience with Bella, it's been a challenge to say the least.. so in part I'm glad I'm not also pregnant in trying to deal with her strong-willed nature. I just really miss having a little baby.. but at the same time.. how great is it to have one, perfect, beautiful little girl. I can devote all my attention to her, give her everything she wants/needs (within reason) and she gets plenty of socialization with her friends.. so.. I dunno. Part of me feels okay with only having one.. a bigger part of me still yearns for more. I think that will probably always be the case.

Ahh... crap. I hate insurance.

Well, It's been too long. I can't honestly say I haven't had time. I've had plenty of time, I just didn't feel like writing. I've got a lot going on in my life, lots of changes for our little family, but for some reason, just didn't want to sit and write it all out. Firstly, the hubs got a new job, and we are in transition until we can find a place to live in Harrisonburg. Well, we found a place, but it won't be ready until July. So we are living with his Aunt and Uncle until then. He's driving an hour each way to work. TOTALLY sucks. But anyhow. It's only temporary.

Along with the new job came new insurance (so grateful to finally have it!) But this insurance.. ZERO fertility coverage. So. I have all the meds for a cycle, and absolutely no way to do it. Yes, I won't lie, I thought about doing my OWN cycle.. but I'm not stupid. There are too many risks to just start sticking myself in the stomach. I'd sell the meds - Lord knows we need the money until his paychecks start coming  in, but that's pretty much illegal.  So, our new insurance is Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. It sucks. Someone told me it's the best, but I don't agree. they co-pays for things are higher, and the coverage is less. Care First BCBS covered EVERYTHING 100%, including IF treatments. So.. yeah. But, what can you do? He doesn't have that job any more, so we dont have that insurance any more. I'm depressed, because i have probably another 8 or 9 months before my meds expire (less for a few of them) and if we want to even think about a cycle, we have to get going with it. But.. not likely. So.. what do I do? =/ I'm trying very hard to be thankful and grateful for my daughter. and appreciate her. But with about 90% of every woman I know having a baby ever couple weeks (or so it feels), I just get more depressed. I torture myself by trying to see the babies and hold them. takin in their sweet smell and warmth.

It breaks my heart. Especially since my own daughter is super challenging right now. I think I will have more patience once we get in our own place.. its just so hard being in someone else's house. Even though they are super nice and super accomodating and really make it feel comfortable for us. It's just not our place.

Anyhow..That's my little post. I'm depressed. Trying not to be. I just want to get away. *sigh*

Dear AF, You may arrive now.

So. My last AF was about March 24th. I started BCP on March 27th. My last pill I took was on April 10th. This was one week ahead of schedule, I technically had one more week, and my last pill was supposed to have been on April 16th. If you want to know why I stopped early - that story is in previous posts.

So here I am..  3 full weeks AFTER stopping BCP. AF should have been here, on schedule, this time last week. Or sooner.

I haven't been on BCP since I did my IVF in 2008. I was on them for a short period of time.. should it have affected me this much? I mean, really? I really don't know.

So.. if anyone out there reading this has some insight, I'd muchly appreciate it. I have tried the 'tricks' to get AF to come, so... yeah. No clue. I could go get a HPT, but that requires money.

I called my nurse at Shady Grove and left a message.. so we'll see what she says..


In other news, we are busy bees packing up the house getting ready to move to Western Pennsylvania. Only 4 days left.. then we leave Saturday afternoon.

Not this time..

Well, after talking with the nurses, we figured we could squeeze in one cycle before our insurance ended April 30th. The problem was, there is zero room for error. Meaning, my body HAS to respond appropriately, so I can trigger on the 25th, retrieval on the 27th, and transfer on the 30th. Yes - 3 day transfer, so option for 5 day. With that in mind, I ordered my meds. I only have a co=pay for them, which was only $150. After my meds arrived, I called and cancelled the cycle. We are about to move, and we are about to have no insurance. We could pay $500 a month just to keep me on it, but I would much rather spend that $500 to keep my daughter insured. I simply cannot spare her coverage for mine.

In the process of preparing to move, i am attempting to go through drawers and spots of clutter - so as not to pack it away. I finally decided to tackle the bottom drawer of my big dresser. It has become somewhat of a 'keepsake' drawer, and i slip many things in there that I want to keep for various reasons. Stuff to go in Bella's baby book.. stuff to go in the scrapbook.. neither of which, by the way, have I worked on in months! I haven't touched our big scrapbook in over a year. some day I will pick it back up. Anyhow - back to the point. I was going through this drawer, and all the books I was given while pregnant or just after I had her, were in there. Books on how your baby grows with you, books on how to breastfeed, tips on how to care for the baby, and yourself... just a lot of information. None of it was anything different or 'special' but, I kept it because it was my experience. I tucked a few of them neatly into a folder.. then I cried. I cried for myself. I cried for the baby that I still want. I cried for feeling selfish. I cried because I cancelled my cycle, and I cried because I knew I may have just thrown away my only chance. And when I was finished crying, I took that folder, and I put it in a bag to give to my friend, who is about to have her first child in June.

I still feel sad about it. That's the thing about infertility - you ALWAYS feel sad. I could probably have 5 kids and still feel sad. You will always have that feeling in the pit of your stomach for as long as you still feel the need, the instinct, to have more children. yes, other fertile women feel it too, but I fully believe that when you have a struggle, and you have to go through treatments, you feel it more intensely, deeply... there is a feeling of hopelessness, and helplessness, that goes along with it. It is a lot to deal with, and a lot that can't even be explained in words.

Yes, I went to a baby shower. I had a few moments of sadness - mostly when I first saw her, and then when she was opening presents, but mostly, I was just overjoyed to be part of it. She is a dear friend of mine, and I have actually enjoyed learning of others pregnancies. In a way, it gives me hope. It makes me happy that at least someone else is able to experience the most complete and overwhelming joy and love ever imaginable. And then, I am thankful that at least I know what that feeling is like. I may never have to buy tiny newborn diapers again, or worry about if she's breathing at night, or waking up every 3 hours to nurse, but I know that the moments, memories, and experiences I have had with my daughter are ones I'll never forget, and I will have many more in the future. Every single day she does something that just takes my breath away. Something she says, something she does, or just her wonderful, squeezing hugs and kisses.  Every day, even in the middle of her worst tantrum filled day, I am grateful and thankful for being given the chance to be her mommy. And every night, I pray that I will be able to give her a sibling. I know, some way or some how, we will get another chance. And I know that right now, with all the other stress in our life going on, right now wasn't a good time for a cycle. I have my meds, I check the expiration dates, and I know if we do another cycle, I will have the meds for it. That is a HUGE cost (my meds cost about $5000 - $6000!) that we wont have to pay.

This Show has been cancelled... A post of reflection,

Well, he'es the rundown.. you've already seen my protocol, dates included. My wonderful husband will no longer be employed. In fact, today is his last official day, and then we run off his leave, and then.. nothing. His leave takes us to April 26th. According to Benefits Department, his insurance will run out April 30th.

For those that don't know - my trigger is May 1. Retrieval is May 3rd. Transfer will be May 6 - 8th. Anything after April 30th, will NOT be covered. That's about $10,000 of services. Also, that doesn't include the post-transfer monitoring - the blood tests  ($95 a pop x3) and then the ultrasounds if i am pregnant - those are roughly $300 each.

My heart is breaking - with all that has been going on - Not having an income, not knowing where we will live.. somehow, going through this cycle made me feel calm in knowing that everything will be okay. Somehow, for reasons unknown, my thought process was "just get us through this cycle, if we can just go through this cycle, everything else will be okay, no matter what the outcome."

Yes, even if the IVF doesn't work, I will feel okay knowing that we gave it a shot, we didn't pass up on our possibly last chance to have a baby. It's crazy, with all the other things going on, I have trained myself to remain calm. In fact, the ability to stay calm came to me during our last IVF.

After my second failed IUI, I spiraled into a very dark place. By the time the IVF came around, I had gotten laid off, and I looked up to God, and I found peace with the fact that "it is what it is". I had no control, and I knew that God would give me a baby if he wanted me to have one. He gave us the challenge of IVF, to allow for us to appreciate, and cherish what is important in life. To give us perspective.. And now? I must do the same. 2008 was a big year for me mentally and emotionally. I let go of bad feelings I had been harboring from the past. I made the conscious decision to forgive those whom I felt had hurt me so deeply.

I went into that IVF, and my pregnancy, and my birth - calm, centered, and at peace and grateful for it all. Perhaps in the time my daughter has been in my life, I have become less appreciative, and somewhat ungrateful. Perhaps I have just expected some things, and I've lost some of that. I'm writing this as the thoughts come to me...


I called today, to see about moving up my cycle.. but the more I think about it.. Even if the cycle was moved up, we would not be able to afford the monitoring afterwards. I just... I don't know. My heart is aching from the pain of knowing that our last chance at a baby is lost, and I am angry about that, but then at the same time, I KNOW God has a plan, and if it was meant to be, it will be. He has taken care of us so far, and He will continue to do so. I just wish I could find peace with this and move on. Right now, my urge is to call Shady Grove, and tell them I am cancelling my cycle. I will wait.. i will wait until I absolutely have to, because, until then, the only thing going on is that I'm on BCP.

So - for now, I guess I'm going back to packing my house, and taking care of my sick daughter, who has a cold and is quite cranky.

So.Freaking.Hungry!

Oh geez. So, my plan was to watch what i eat, try to lose another 5lbs before starting my meds. WELL - the stupid BCP are making me hungry. I constantly feel hungry. If I eat, I feel full for a short while, then hungry again! THIS IS NOT GOOD. I've gained 3lbs. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. I know once I start my injections, I'm going to gain weight. I just cannot allow myself to put on so much weight - I've been soooo good about losing the weight I have, and now the BCP is screwing it all up.

Yes, I'm aware that when I get pregnant, I'm going to gain weight, but I'd rather wait until I AM pregnant before I start. No need to rush that sort of thing.

Anyhow, I just needed to complain a bit. and say this week, I may just have to go on a semi-food strike. LOL