Ahh... crap. I hate insurance.

Well, It's been too long. I can't honestly say I haven't had time. I've had plenty of time, I just didn't feel like writing. I've got a lot going on in my life, lots of changes for our little family, but for some reason, just didn't want to sit and write it all out. Firstly, the hubs got a new job, and we are in transition until we can find a place to live in Harrisonburg. Well, we found a place, but it won't be ready until July. So we are living with his Aunt and Uncle until then. He's driving an hour each way to work. TOTALLY sucks. But anyhow. It's only temporary.

Along with the new job came new insurance (so grateful to finally have it!) But this insurance.. ZERO fertility coverage. So. I have all the meds for a cycle, and absolutely no way to do it. Yes, I won't lie, I thought about doing my OWN cycle.. but I'm not stupid. There are too many risks to just start sticking myself in the stomach. I'd sell the meds - Lord knows we need the money until his paychecks start coming  in, but that's pretty much illegal.  So, our new insurance is Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. It sucks. Someone told me it's the best, but I don't agree. they co-pays for things are higher, and the coverage is less. Care First BCBS covered EVERYTHING 100%, including IF treatments. So.. yeah. But, what can you do? He doesn't have that job any more, so we dont have that insurance any more. I'm depressed, because i have probably another 8 or 9 months before my meds expire (less for a few of them) and if we want to even think about a cycle, we have to get going with it. But.. not likely. So.. what do I do? =/ I'm trying very hard to be thankful and grateful for my daughter. and appreciate her. But with about 90% of every woman I know having a baby ever couple weeks (or so it feels), I just get more depressed. I torture myself by trying to see the babies and hold them. takin in their sweet smell and warmth.

It breaks my heart. Especially since my own daughter is super challenging right now. I think I will have more patience once we get in our own place.. its just so hard being in someone else's house. Even though they are super nice and super accomodating and really make it feel comfortable for us. It's just not our place.

Anyhow..That's my little post. I'm depressed. Trying not to be. I just want to get away. *sigh*

This Show has been cancelled... A post of reflection,

Well, he'es the rundown.. you've already seen my protocol, dates included. My wonderful husband will no longer be employed. In fact, today is his last official day, and then we run off his leave, and then.. nothing. His leave takes us to April 26th. According to Benefits Department, his insurance will run out April 30th.

For those that don't know - my trigger is May 1. Retrieval is May 3rd. Transfer will be May 6 - 8th. Anything after April 30th, will NOT be covered. That's about $10,000 of services. Also, that doesn't include the post-transfer monitoring - the blood tests  ($95 a pop x3) and then the ultrasounds if i am pregnant - those are roughly $300 each.

My heart is breaking - with all that has been going on - Not having an income, not knowing where we will live.. somehow, going through this cycle made me feel calm in knowing that everything will be okay. Somehow, for reasons unknown, my thought process was "just get us through this cycle, if we can just go through this cycle, everything else will be okay, no matter what the outcome."

Yes, even if the IVF doesn't work, I will feel okay knowing that we gave it a shot, we didn't pass up on our possibly last chance to have a baby. It's crazy, with all the other things going on, I have trained myself to remain calm. In fact, the ability to stay calm came to me during our last IVF.

After my second failed IUI, I spiraled into a very dark place. By the time the IVF came around, I had gotten laid off, and I looked up to God, and I found peace with the fact that "it is what it is". I had no control, and I knew that God would give me a baby if he wanted me to have one. He gave us the challenge of IVF, to allow for us to appreciate, and cherish what is important in life. To give us perspective.. And now? I must do the same. 2008 was a big year for me mentally and emotionally. I let go of bad feelings I had been harboring from the past. I made the conscious decision to forgive those whom I felt had hurt me so deeply.

I went into that IVF, and my pregnancy, and my birth - calm, centered, and at peace and grateful for it all. Perhaps in the time my daughter has been in my life, I have become less appreciative, and somewhat ungrateful. Perhaps I have just expected some things, and I've lost some of that. I'm writing this as the thoughts come to me...


I called today, to see about moving up my cycle.. but the more I think about it.. Even if the cycle was moved up, we would not be able to afford the monitoring afterwards. I just... I don't know. My heart is aching from the pain of knowing that our last chance at a baby is lost, and I am angry about that, but then at the same time, I KNOW God has a plan, and if it was meant to be, it will be. He has taken care of us so far, and He will continue to do so. I just wish I could find peace with this and move on. Right now, my urge is to call Shady Grove, and tell them I am cancelling my cycle. I will wait.. i will wait until I absolutely have to, because, until then, the only thing going on is that I'm on BCP.

So - for now, I guess I'm going back to packing my house, and taking care of my sick daughter, who has a cold and is quite cranky.

Not this month..

Well, I went in for my D3 blood work and ultrasound this past Friday. Everything looked great, and I was supposed to start my BCP yesterday (Sunday). BUT - insurance hasn't sent the authorization yet because they need a mock transfer and semen analysis before they will. While Shady Grove can get their end done fairly quickly, I was advised that BCBS (the insurance co) is running about 3-4 weeks to get the Authorizations together. This means I would not have it in time for Shady Grove to order my meds for this cycle. Because they do not like their patients to be on birth control for more than a month at a time, I am holding off on starting the pill until the end of March, which means a cycle the end of April. If I started the pill this month, and I ended up not able to get my meds in time, I would have to wait until the end of April to start the pill, and then a cycle the end of May. I just do not want to wait that long.

Plus, there is a lot of stress going on in my life right now regarding my parents getting a divorce and my mom acting in a way that makes us all believe she has some sort of mental disorder. So, I'm waiting a month, to allow myself to try to become as stress free as possible, continue to get healthier, and maybe lost another 5-10lbs. (hey, weight loss can't hurt!)

I plan to continue to update on things, I want to try and keep this blog related to our journey to baby #2, but I may also update it with other things. ;)