The truth of it all..

This isn't the first time I've dealt with infertility.  I'm almost 30, and 3 years, almost 4 years ago, my husband and I began treatments to have a baby. After a HUGE emotional ride, two failed IUI's, numerous medications and shots in the tummy, we achieved our goal of bringing a beautiful baby girl into this world with IVF and ICSI. Our daughter is now 2 years old, and we  are going for number two.

I've struggled with many emotions over this.. from feeling like we don't have a right since we already have one healthy child, to are we tempting fate, to this is an opportunity we can't miss. Feelings that i had the first time around are coming back. Even though I have a child, I still feel pain when, what seems like everyone I know, is pregnant. I know it's because, as an Infertile, we become hyper-aware of pregnant women. It also doesn't help with the fact that my circle of friends all consist of healthy young women who are starting or still continuing to grow their families. I'm happy, not spiteful. There are some of 'us' who are spiteful, who can't stand to look at a pregnant woman or a newborn baby, because the pain is too much, because it fuels anger. Anger at ourselves, our bodies, our God.


As a woman, we are supposed to produce healthy children.  I know that for me, I have never been the career oriented woman.  Having a fast paced, high stress career isn't something i ever wanted. What I did want, from the moment I held my first baby doll, was that I wanted to be a mommy. I knew I wanted to get married and have kids. Live happily ever after. Of course, as I've grown i have realized it's not that easy, in any of thoe areas, but, I got married, to a wonderful guy ( really, who says "i married a awful guy" ??),  and relationships take work, and happily ever after doesn't just land in your lap. At least not for most people I know. When I realized we couldn't have a baby naturally, I was upset. I was determined to do what I had to do. I got excited about finally, possibly being able to have a baby, of my own, to hold and love and cuddle.

Then we did our first cycle. And I was SO SURE it just HAD to work. I mean, why wouldn't it? Well, it didn't. And, I was devastated. It was right around Thanksgiving. Then, we did another cycle, and that didn't work.. that put me right into a very dark place. That year I didn't put up any lights. I didn't even put up a tree. I just went through the motions. Needless to say, our second IUI was a failure. Looking back - how could anything positive come from such a negative point in my life. I can honestly say i've never been in a darker place that I was at that point. After the new year, we took a short break, and in March of 2008, I started birth control again, this time for our IVF cycle.  Mid April came the egg retrieval and transfer. and on April 3o, our 2 year anniversary, I surprised my husband with an anniversary card that included a picture of a positive pregnancy test.  In January of 2009, Our daughter was born.

So, here we are now, and we are going straight into another IVF. As it stands now, tomorrow I go in for Day 3 bloodwork and ulstrasound, and then Sunday I will start my Birth Control Pills.  All I can say is that I am going into this with the same attitude as i did with our first IVF - God will take me through this, and it is His will what happens. I will accept the outcome, and move on. I will learn from the experience. I will not get my hopes too high, but I will not be negative about it. I can only do what I can in regards to eating healthy, taking my meds, and following my protocol. Anything beyond that is out of my control, and I can only pray that God will give me what we pray for.