Not this time..

Well, after talking with the nurses, we figured we could squeeze in one cycle before our insurance ended April 30th. The problem was, there is zero room for error. Meaning, my body HAS to respond appropriately, so I can trigger on the 25th, retrieval on the 27th, and transfer on the 30th. Yes - 3 day transfer, so option for 5 day. With that in mind, I ordered my meds. I only have a co=pay for them, which was only $150. After my meds arrived, I called and cancelled the cycle. We are about to move, and we are about to have no insurance. We could pay $500 a month just to keep me on it, but I would much rather spend that $500 to keep my daughter insured. I simply cannot spare her coverage for mine.

In the process of preparing to move, i am attempting to go through drawers and spots of clutter - so as not to pack it away. I finally decided to tackle the bottom drawer of my big dresser. It has become somewhat of a 'keepsake' drawer, and i slip many things in there that I want to keep for various reasons. Stuff to go in Bella's baby book.. stuff to go in the scrapbook.. neither of which, by the way, have I worked on in months! I haven't touched our big scrapbook in over a year. some day I will pick it back up. Anyhow - back to the point. I was going through this drawer, and all the books I was given while pregnant or just after I had her, were in there. Books on how your baby grows with you, books on how to breastfeed, tips on how to care for the baby, and yourself... just a lot of information. None of it was anything different or 'special' but, I kept it because it was my experience. I tucked a few of them neatly into a folder.. then I cried. I cried for myself. I cried for the baby that I still want. I cried for feeling selfish. I cried because I cancelled my cycle, and I cried because I knew I may have just thrown away my only chance. And when I was finished crying, I took that folder, and I put it in a bag to give to my friend, who is about to have her first child in June.

I still feel sad about it. That's the thing about infertility - you ALWAYS feel sad. I could probably have 5 kids and still feel sad. You will always have that feeling in the pit of your stomach for as long as you still feel the need, the instinct, to have more children. yes, other fertile women feel it too, but I fully believe that when you have a struggle, and you have to go through treatments, you feel it more intensely, deeply... there is a feeling of hopelessness, and helplessness, that goes along with it. It is a lot to deal with, and a lot that can't even be explained in words.

Yes, I went to a baby shower. I had a few moments of sadness - mostly when I first saw her, and then when she was opening presents, but mostly, I was just overjoyed to be part of it. She is a dear friend of mine, and I have actually enjoyed learning of others pregnancies. In a way, it gives me hope. It makes me happy that at least someone else is able to experience the most complete and overwhelming joy and love ever imaginable. And then, I am thankful that at least I know what that feeling is like. I may never have to buy tiny newborn diapers again, or worry about if she's breathing at night, or waking up every 3 hours to nurse, but I know that the moments, memories, and experiences I have had with my daughter are ones I'll never forget, and I will have many more in the future. Every single day she does something that just takes my breath away. Something she says, something she does, or just her wonderful, squeezing hugs and kisses.  Every day, even in the middle of her worst tantrum filled day, I am grateful and thankful for being given the chance to be her mommy. And every night, I pray that I will be able to give her a sibling. I know, some way or some how, we will get another chance. And I know that right now, with all the other stress in our life going on, right now wasn't a good time for a cycle. I have my meds, I check the expiration dates, and I know if we do another cycle, I will have the meds for it. That is a HUGE cost (my meds cost about $5000 - $6000!) that we wont have to pay.

This Show has been cancelled... A post of reflection,

Well, he'es the rundown.. you've already seen my protocol, dates included. My wonderful husband will no longer be employed. In fact, today is his last official day, and then we run off his leave, and then.. nothing. His leave takes us to April 26th. According to Benefits Department, his insurance will run out April 30th.

For those that don't know - my trigger is May 1. Retrieval is May 3rd. Transfer will be May 6 - 8th. Anything after April 30th, will NOT be covered. That's about $10,000 of services. Also, that doesn't include the post-transfer monitoring - the blood tests  ($95 a pop x3) and then the ultrasounds if i am pregnant - those are roughly $300 each.

My heart is breaking - with all that has been going on - Not having an income, not knowing where we will live.. somehow, going through this cycle made me feel calm in knowing that everything will be okay. Somehow, for reasons unknown, my thought process was "just get us through this cycle, if we can just go through this cycle, everything else will be okay, no matter what the outcome."

Yes, even if the IVF doesn't work, I will feel okay knowing that we gave it a shot, we didn't pass up on our possibly last chance to have a baby. It's crazy, with all the other things going on, I have trained myself to remain calm. In fact, the ability to stay calm came to me during our last IVF.

After my second failed IUI, I spiraled into a very dark place. By the time the IVF came around, I had gotten laid off, and I looked up to God, and I found peace with the fact that "it is what it is". I had no control, and I knew that God would give me a baby if he wanted me to have one. He gave us the challenge of IVF, to allow for us to appreciate, and cherish what is important in life. To give us perspective.. And now? I must do the same. 2008 was a big year for me mentally and emotionally. I let go of bad feelings I had been harboring from the past. I made the conscious decision to forgive those whom I felt had hurt me so deeply.

I went into that IVF, and my pregnancy, and my birth - calm, centered, and at peace and grateful for it all. Perhaps in the time my daughter has been in my life, I have become less appreciative, and somewhat ungrateful. Perhaps I have just expected some things, and I've lost some of that. I'm writing this as the thoughts come to me...


I called today, to see about moving up my cycle.. but the more I think about it.. Even if the cycle was moved up, we would not be able to afford the monitoring afterwards. I just... I don't know. My heart is aching from the pain of knowing that our last chance at a baby is lost, and I am angry about that, but then at the same time, I KNOW God has a plan, and if it was meant to be, it will be. He has taken care of us so far, and He will continue to do so. I just wish I could find peace with this and move on. Right now, my urge is to call Shady Grove, and tell them I am cancelling my cycle. I will wait.. i will wait until I absolutely have to, because, until then, the only thing going on is that I'm on BCP.

So - for now, I guess I'm going back to packing my house, and taking care of my sick daughter, who has a cold and is quite cranky.

So.Freaking.Hungry!

Oh geez. So, my plan was to watch what i eat, try to lose another 5lbs before starting my meds. WELL - the stupid BCP are making me hungry. I constantly feel hungry. If I eat, I feel full for a short while, then hungry again! THIS IS NOT GOOD. I've gained 3lbs. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. I know once I start my injections, I'm going to gain weight. I just cannot allow myself to put on so much weight - I've been soooo good about losing the weight I have, and now the BCP is screwing it all up.

Yes, I'm aware that when I get pregnant, I'm going to gain weight, but I'd rather wait until I AM pregnant before I start. No need to rush that sort of thing.

Anyhow, I just needed to complain a bit. and say this week, I may just have to go on a semi-food strike. LOL