Well, after talking with the nurses, we figured we could squeeze in one cycle before our insurance ended April 30th. The problem was, there is zero room for error. Meaning, my body HAS to respond appropriately, so I can trigger on the 25th, retrieval on the 27th, and transfer on the 30th. Yes - 3 day transfer, so option for 5 day. With that in mind, I ordered my meds. I only have a co=pay for them, which was only $150. After my meds arrived, I called and cancelled the cycle. We are about to move, and we are about to have no insurance. We could pay $500 a month just to keep me on it, but I would much rather spend that $500 to keep my daughter insured. I simply cannot spare her coverage for mine.
In the process of preparing to move, i am attempting to go through drawers and spots of clutter - so as not to pack it away. I finally decided to tackle the bottom drawer of my big dresser. It has become somewhat of a 'keepsake' drawer, and i slip many things in there that I want to keep for various reasons. Stuff to go in Bella's baby book.. stuff to go in the scrapbook.. neither of which, by the way, have I worked on in months! I haven't touched our big scrapbook in over a year. some day I will pick it back up. Anyhow - back to the point. I was going through this drawer, and all the books I was given while pregnant or just after I had her, were in there. Books on how your baby grows with you, books on how to breastfeed, tips on how to care for the baby, and yourself... just a lot of information. None of it was anything different or 'special' but, I kept it because it was my experience. I tucked a few of them neatly into a folder.. then I cried. I cried for myself. I cried for the baby that I still want. I cried for feeling selfish. I cried because I cancelled my cycle, and I cried because I knew I may have just thrown away my only chance. And when I was finished crying, I took that folder, and I put it in a bag to give to my friend, who is about to have her first child in June.
I still feel sad about it. That's the thing about infertility - you ALWAYS feel sad. I could probably have 5 kids and still feel sad. You will always have that feeling in the pit of your stomach for as long as you still feel the need, the instinct, to have more children. yes, other fertile women feel it too, but I fully believe that when you have a struggle, and you have to go through treatments, you feel it more intensely, deeply... there is a feeling of hopelessness, and helplessness, that goes along with it. It is a lot to deal with, and a lot that can't even be explained in words.
Yes, I went to a baby shower. I had a few moments of sadness - mostly when I first saw her, and then when she was opening presents, but mostly, I was just overjoyed to be part of it. She is a dear friend of mine, and I have actually enjoyed learning of others pregnancies. In a way, it gives me hope. It makes me happy that at least someone else is able to experience the most complete and overwhelming joy and love ever imaginable. And then, I am thankful that at least I know what that feeling is like. I may never have to buy tiny newborn diapers again, or worry about if she's breathing at night, or waking up every 3 hours to nurse, but I know that the moments, memories, and experiences I have had with my daughter are ones I'll never forget, and I will have many more in the future. Every single day she does something that just takes my breath away. Something she says, something she does, or just her wonderful, squeezing hugs and kisses. Every day, even in the middle of her worst tantrum filled day, I am grateful and thankful for being given the chance to be her mommy. And every night, I pray that I will be able to give her a sibling. I know, some way or some how, we will get another chance. And I know that right now, with all the other stress in our life going on, right now wasn't a good time for a cycle. I have my meds, I check the expiration dates, and I know if we do another cycle, I will have the meds for it. That is a HUGE cost (my meds cost about $5000 - $6000!) that we wont have to pay.
I get why you did what you did. A total and selfless act of motherhood. What you said is so true about infertility. You are always sad. Even when you have beaten it and when you are holding your baby...the struggle that it took to get her/him here leaves a sadness. Leaves a scar that will always hurt for the pain of not being able to do what it seems like everyone else can do. I just blogged about this (well not just but about a week or so ago) and those feelings...they just never go away. I still have you in my prayers, Michele...it might not be right now but it will be!
ReplyDeleteThanks. Stopping my BCP early has screwed me up anyhow - I had breakthrough bleeding the 2nd week into the pill, and then I stopped early because we were going to do the cycle early, but now AF isn't even here yet, and she should be. SO - I'm thinking the cycle would have been a major bust.
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