It's been a while since I posted. We have moved finally, and have settled into our new home in a new city. We've been here for a couple of weeks.. so far we really love it. I am slowly getting things organized. It sure seems easier after a move.. since I am putting things out as I need them. It means the basement stays cluttered longer, but it's worth my sanity.
The insurance here isn't the greatest. I mean, its good,but Anthem just doesn't have the great coverage that we used to have. I heard great things about Anthem, but really the deductibles and stuff suck, at least the plan they have here for Kevin's job. Of course, this means zero IF coverage. There is a really REALLY good clinic in Charlottesville, so I think I may try to contact them and see about financing, since I have enough meds for a cycle. I know that Shady Grove would cooperate with sending over all the records they need. I don't know if we could even afford it, but I need to figure out my options. We could possibly do part of it with our Flex Spending account next year.. so.. we'll see.
Lately I've been having a difficult time keeping my patience with Bella, it's been a challenge to say the least.. so in part I'm glad I'm not also pregnant in trying to deal with her strong-willed nature. I just really miss having a little baby.. but at the same time.. how great is it to have one, perfect, beautiful little girl. I can devote all my attention to her, give her everything she wants/needs (within reason) and she gets plenty of socialization with her friends.. so.. I dunno. Part of me feels okay with only having one.. a bigger part of me still yearns for more. I think that will probably always be the case.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Ahh... crap. I hate insurance.
Well, It's been too long. I can't honestly say I haven't had time. I've had plenty of time, I just didn't feel like writing. I've got a lot going on in my life, lots of changes for our little family, but for some reason, just didn't want to sit and write it all out. Firstly, the hubs got a new job, and we are in transition until we can find a place to live in Harrisonburg. Well, we found a place, but it won't be ready until July. So we are living with his Aunt and Uncle until then. He's driving an hour each way to work. TOTALLY sucks. But anyhow. It's only temporary.
Along with the new job came new insurance (so grateful to finally have it!) But this insurance.. ZERO fertility coverage. So. I have all the meds for a cycle, and absolutely no way to do it. Yes, I won't lie, I thought about doing my OWN cycle.. but I'm not stupid. There are too many risks to just start sticking myself in the stomach. I'd sell the meds - Lord knows we need the money until his paychecks start coming in, but that's pretty much illegal. So, our new insurance is Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. It sucks. Someone told me it's the best, but I don't agree. they co-pays for things are higher, and the coverage is less. Care First BCBS covered EVERYTHING 100%, including IF treatments. So.. yeah. But, what can you do? He doesn't have that job any more, so we dont have that insurance any more. I'm depressed, because i have probably another 8 or 9 months before my meds expire (less for a few of them) and if we want to even think about a cycle, we have to get going with it. But.. not likely. So.. what do I do? =/ I'm trying very hard to be thankful and grateful for my daughter. and appreciate her. But with about 90% of every woman I know having a baby ever couple weeks (or so it feels), I just get more depressed. I torture myself by trying to see the babies and hold them. takin in their sweet smell and warmth.
It breaks my heart. Especially since my own daughter is super challenging right now. I think I will have more patience once we get in our own place.. its just so hard being in someone else's house. Even though they are super nice and super accomodating and really make it feel comfortable for us. It's just not our place.
Anyhow..That's my little post. I'm depressed. Trying not to be. I just want to get away. *sigh*
Along with the new job came new insurance (so grateful to finally have it!) But this insurance.. ZERO fertility coverage. So. I have all the meds for a cycle, and absolutely no way to do it. Yes, I won't lie, I thought about doing my OWN cycle.. but I'm not stupid. There are too many risks to just start sticking myself in the stomach. I'd sell the meds - Lord knows we need the money until his paychecks start coming in, but that's pretty much illegal. So, our new insurance is Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. It sucks. Someone told me it's the best, but I don't agree. they co-pays for things are higher, and the coverage is less. Care First BCBS covered EVERYTHING 100%, including IF treatments. So.. yeah. But, what can you do? He doesn't have that job any more, so we dont have that insurance any more. I'm depressed, because i have probably another 8 or 9 months before my meds expire (less for a few of them) and if we want to even think about a cycle, we have to get going with it. But.. not likely. So.. what do I do? =/ I'm trying very hard to be thankful and grateful for my daughter. and appreciate her. But with about 90% of every woman I know having a baby ever couple weeks (or so it feels), I just get more depressed. I torture myself by trying to see the babies and hold them. takin in their sweet smell and warmth.
It breaks my heart. Especially since my own daughter is super challenging right now. I think I will have more patience once we get in our own place.. its just so hard being in someone else's house. Even though they are super nice and super accomodating and really make it feel comfortable for us. It's just not our place.
Anyhow..That's my little post. I'm depressed. Trying not to be. I just want to get away. *sigh*
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Dear AF, You may arrive now.
So. My last AF was about March 24th. I started BCP on March 27th. My last pill I took was on April 10th. This was one week ahead of schedule, I technically had one more week, and my last pill was supposed to have been on April 16th. If you want to know why I stopped early - that story is in previous posts.
So here I am.. 3 full weeks AFTER stopping BCP. AF should have been here, on schedule, this time last week. Or sooner.
I haven't been on BCP since I did my IVF in 2008. I was on them for a short period of time.. should it have affected me this much? I mean, really? I really don't know.
So.. if anyone out there reading this has some insight, I'd muchly appreciate it. I have tried the 'tricks' to get AF to come, so... yeah. No clue. I could go get a HPT, but that requires money.
I called my nurse at Shady Grove and left a message.. so we'll see what she says..
In other news, we are busy bees packing up the house getting ready to move to Western Pennsylvania. Only 4 days left.. then we leave Saturday afternoon.
So here I am.. 3 full weeks AFTER stopping BCP. AF should have been here, on schedule, this time last week. Or sooner.
I haven't been on BCP since I did my IVF in 2008. I was on them for a short period of time.. should it have affected me this much? I mean, really? I really don't know.
So.. if anyone out there reading this has some insight, I'd muchly appreciate it. I have tried the 'tricks' to get AF to come, so... yeah. No clue. I could go get a HPT, but that requires money.
I called my nurse at Shady Grove and left a message.. so we'll see what she says..
In other news, we are busy bees packing up the house getting ready to move to Western Pennsylvania. Only 4 days left.. then we leave Saturday afternoon.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Not this time..
Well, after talking with the nurses, we figured we could squeeze in one cycle before our insurance ended April 30th. The problem was, there is zero room for error. Meaning, my body HAS to respond appropriately, so I can trigger on the 25th, retrieval on the 27th, and transfer on the 30th. Yes - 3 day transfer, so option for 5 day. With that in mind, I ordered my meds. I only have a co=pay for them, which was only $150. After my meds arrived, I called and cancelled the cycle. We are about to move, and we are about to have no insurance. We could pay $500 a month just to keep me on it, but I would much rather spend that $500 to keep my daughter insured. I simply cannot spare her coverage for mine.
In the process of preparing to move, i am attempting to go through drawers and spots of clutter - so as not to pack it away. I finally decided to tackle the bottom drawer of my big dresser. It has become somewhat of a 'keepsake' drawer, and i slip many things in there that I want to keep for various reasons. Stuff to go in Bella's baby book.. stuff to go in the scrapbook.. neither of which, by the way, have I worked on in months! I haven't touched our big scrapbook in over a year. some day I will pick it back up. Anyhow - back to the point. I was going through this drawer, and all the books I was given while pregnant or just after I had her, were in there. Books on how your baby grows with you, books on how to breastfeed, tips on how to care for the baby, and yourself... just a lot of information. None of it was anything different or 'special' but, I kept it because it was my experience. I tucked a few of them neatly into a folder.. then I cried. I cried for myself. I cried for the baby that I still want. I cried for feeling selfish. I cried because I cancelled my cycle, and I cried because I knew I may have just thrown away my only chance. And when I was finished crying, I took that folder, and I put it in a bag to give to my friend, who is about to have her first child in June.
I still feel sad about it. That's the thing about infertility - you ALWAYS feel sad. I could probably have 5 kids and still feel sad. You will always have that feeling in the pit of your stomach for as long as you still feel the need, the instinct, to have more children. yes, other fertile women feel it too, but I fully believe that when you have a struggle, and you have to go through treatments, you feel it more intensely, deeply... there is a feeling of hopelessness, and helplessness, that goes along with it. It is a lot to deal with, and a lot that can't even be explained in words.
Yes, I went to a baby shower. I had a few moments of sadness - mostly when I first saw her, and then when she was opening presents, but mostly, I was just overjoyed to be part of it. She is a dear friend of mine, and I have actually enjoyed learning of others pregnancies. In a way, it gives me hope. It makes me happy that at least someone else is able to experience the most complete and overwhelming joy and love ever imaginable. And then, I am thankful that at least I know what that feeling is like. I may never have to buy tiny newborn diapers again, or worry about if she's breathing at night, or waking up every 3 hours to nurse, but I know that the moments, memories, and experiences I have had with my daughter are ones I'll never forget, and I will have many more in the future. Every single day she does something that just takes my breath away. Something she says, something she does, or just her wonderful, squeezing hugs and kisses. Every day, even in the middle of her worst tantrum filled day, I am grateful and thankful for being given the chance to be her mommy. And every night, I pray that I will be able to give her a sibling. I know, some way or some how, we will get another chance. And I know that right now, with all the other stress in our life going on, right now wasn't a good time for a cycle. I have my meds, I check the expiration dates, and I know if we do another cycle, I will have the meds for it. That is a HUGE cost (my meds cost about $5000 - $6000!) that we wont have to pay.
In the process of preparing to move, i am attempting to go through drawers and spots of clutter - so as not to pack it away. I finally decided to tackle the bottom drawer of my big dresser. It has become somewhat of a 'keepsake' drawer, and i slip many things in there that I want to keep for various reasons. Stuff to go in Bella's baby book.. stuff to go in the scrapbook.. neither of which, by the way, have I worked on in months! I haven't touched our big scrapbook in over a year. some day I will pick it back up. Anyhow - back to the point. I was going through this drawer, and all the books I was given while pregnant or just after I had her, were in there. Books on how your baby grows with you, books on how to breastfeed, tips on how to care for the baby, and yourself... just a lot of information. None of it was anything different or 'special' but, I kept it because it was my experience. I tucked a few of them neatly into a folder.. then I cried. I cried for myself. I cried for the baby that I still want. I cried for feeling selfish. I cried because I cancelled my cycle, and I cried because I knew I may have just thrown away my only chance. And when I was finished crying, I took that folder, and I put it in a bag to give to my friend, who is about to have her first child in June.
I still feel sad about it. That's the thing about infertility - you ALWAYS feel sad. I could probably have 5 kids and still feel sad. You will always have that feeling in the pit of your stomach for as long as you still feel the need, the instinct, to have more children. yes, other fertile women feel it too, but I fully believe that when you have a struggle, and you have to go through treatments, you feel it more intensely, deeply... there is a feeling of hopelessness, and helplessness, that goes along with it. It is a lot to deal with, and a lot that can't even be explained in words.
Yes, I went to a baby shower. I had a few moments of sadness - mostly when I first saw her, and then when she was opening presents, but mostly, I was just overjoyed to be part of it. She is a dear friend of mine, and I have actually enjoyed learning of others pregnancies. In a way, it gives me hope. It makes me happy that at least someone else is able to experience the most complete and overwhelming joy and love ever imaginable. And then, I am thankful that at least I know what that feeling is like. I may never have to buy tiny newborn diapers again, or worry about if she's breathing at night, or waking up every 3 hours to nurse, but I know that the moments, memories, and experiences I have had with my daughter are ones I'll never forget, and I will have many more in the future. Every single day she does something that just takes my breath away. Something she says, something she does, or just her wonderful, squeezing hugs and kisses. Every day, even in the middle of her worst tantrum filled day, I am grateful and thankful for being given the chance to be her mommy. And every night, I pray that I will be able to give her a sibling. I know, some way or some how, we will get another chance. And I know that right now, with all the other stress in our life going on, right now wasn't a good time for a cycle. I have my meds, I check the expiration dates, and I know if we do another cycle, I will have the meds for it. That is a HUGE cost (my meds cost about $5000 - $6000!) that we wont have to pay.
Friday, April 8, 2011
This Show has been cancelled... A post of reflection,
Well, he'es the rundown.. you've already seen my protocol, dates included. My wonderful husband will no longer be employed. In fact, today is his last official day, and then we run off his leave, and then.. nothing. His leave takes us to April 26th. According to Benefits Department, his insurance will run out April 30th.
For those that don't know - my trigger is May 1. Retrieval is May 3rd. Transfer will be May 6 - 8th. Anything after April 30th, will NOT be covered. That's about $10,000 of services. Also, that doesn't include the post-transfer monitoring - the blood tests ($95 a pop x3) and then the ultrasounds if i am pregnant - those are roughly $300 each.
My heart is breaking - with all that has been going on - Not having an income, not knowing where we will live.. somehow, going through this cycle made me feel calm in knowing that everything will be okay. Somehow, for reasons unknown, my thought process was "just get us through this cycle, if we can just go through this cycle, everything else will be okay, no matter what the outcome."
Yes, even if the IVF doesn't work, I will feel okay knowing that we gave it a shot, we didn't pass up on our possibly last chance to have a baby. It's crazy, with all the other things going on, I have trained myself to remain calm. In fact, the ability to stay calm came to me during our last IVF.
After my second failed IUI, I spiraled into a very dark place. By the time the IVF came around, I had gotten laid off, and I looked up to God, and I found peace with the fact that "it is what it is". I had no control, and I knew that God would give me a baby if he wanted me to have one. He gave us the challenge of IVF, to allow for us to appreciate, and cherish what is important in life. To give us perspective.. And now? I must do the same. 2008 was a big year for me mentally and emotionally. I let go of bad feelings I had been harboring from the past. I made the conscious decision to forgive those whom I felt had hurt me so deeply.
I went into that IVF, and my pregnancy, and my birth - calm, centered, and at peace and grateful for it all. Perhaps in the time my daughter has been in my life, I have become less appreciative, and somewhat ungrateful. Perhaps I have just expected some things, and I've lost some of that. I'm writing this as the thoughts come to me...
I called today, to see about moving up my cycle.. but the more I think about it.. Even if the cycle was moved up, we would not be able to afford the monitoring afterwards. I just... I don't know. My heart is aching from the pain of knowing that our last chance at a baby is lost, and I am angry about that, but then at the same time, I KNOW God has a plan, and if it was meant to be, it will be. He has taken care of us so far, and He will continue to do so. I just wish I could find peace with this and move on. Right now, my urge is to call Shady Grove, and tell them I am cancelling my cycle. I will wait.. i will wait until I absolutely have to, because, until then, the only thing going on is that I'm on BCP.
So - for now, I guess I'm going back to packing my house, and taking care of my sick daughter, who has a cold and is quite cranky.
For those that don't know - my trigger is May 1. Retrieval is May 3rd. Transfer will be May 6 - 8th. Anything after April 30th, will NOT be covered. That's about $10,000 of services. Also, that doesn't include the post-transfer monitoring - the blood tests ($95 a pop x3) and then the ultrasounds if i am pregnant - those are roughly $300 each.
My heart is breaking - with all that has been going on - Not having an income, not knowing where we will live.. somehow, going through this cycle made me feel calm in knowing that everything will be okay. Somehow, for reasons unknown, my thought process was "just get us through this cycle, if we can just go through this cycle, everything else will be okay, no matter what the outcome."
Yes, even if the IVF doesn't work, I will feel okay knowing that we gave it a shot, we didn't pass up on our possibly last chance to have a baby. It's crazy, with all the other things going on, I have trained myself to remain calm. In fact, the ability to stay calm came to me during our last IVF.
After my second failed IUI, I spiraled into a very dark place. By the time the IVF came around, I had gotten laid off, and I looked up to God, and I found peace with the fact that "it is what it is". I had no control, and I knew that God would give me a baby if he wanted me to have one. He gave us the challenge of IVF, to allow for us to appreciate, and cherish what is important in life. To give us perspective.. And now? I must do the same. 2008 was a big year for me mentally and emotionally. I let go of bad feelings I had been harboring from the past. I made the conscious decision to forgive those whom I felt had hurt me so deeply.
I went into that IVF, and my pregnancy, and my birth - calm, centered, and at peace and grateful for it all. Perhaps in the time my daughter has been in my life, I have become less appreciative, and somewhat ungrateful. Perhaps I have just expected some things, and I've lost some of that. I'm writing this as the thoughts come to me...
I called today, to see about moving up my cycle.. but the more I think about it.. Even if the cycle was moved up, we would not be able to afford the monitoring afterwards. I just... I don't know. My heart is aching from the pain of knowing that our last chance at a baby is lost, and I am angry about that, but then at the same time, I KNOW God has a plan, and if it was meant to be, it will be. He has taken care of us so far, and He will continue to do so. I just wish I could find peace with this and move on. Right now, my urge is to call Shady Grove, and tell them I am cancelling my cycle. I will wait.. i will wait until I absolutely have to, because, until then, the only thing going on is that I'm on BCP.
So - for now, I guess I'm going back to packing my house, and taking care of my sick daughter, who has a cold and is quite cranky.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
So.Freaking.Hungry!
Oh geez. So, my plan was to watch what i eat, try to lose another 5lbs before starting my meds. WELL - the stupid BCP are making me hungry. I constantly feel hungry. If I eat, I feel full for a short while, then hungry again! THIS IS NOT GOOD. I've gained 3lbs. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. I know once I start my injections, I'm going to gain weight. I just cannot allow myself to put on so much weight - I've been soooo good about losing the weight I have, and now the BCP is screwing it all up.
Yes, I'm aware that when I get pregnant, I'm going to gain weight, but I'd rather wait until I AM pregnant before I start. No need to rush that sort of thing.
Anyhow, I just needed to complain a bit. and say this week, I may just have to go on a semi-food strike. LOL
Yes, I'm aware that when I get pregnant, I'm going to gain weight, but I'd rather wait until I AM pregnant before I start. No need to rush that sort of thing.
Anyhow, I just needed to complain a bit. and say this week, I may just have to go on a semi-food strike. LOL
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Got my protocol!
So - here is the rundown of my protocol. I got it today at my injection class. The timing is all approximate, of course. I'll just start with the date I started my BCP's.
3/27 - BCP D1
4/16 - Last Day BCP
4/17 - Blood work & Ultrasound
4/20 Start meds pending BW&US are normal
112.4IU Gonal F Multi-Dose
37.5IU Menopur
At this point, everything is based on my follicle size. I will be going in for monitoring every other day, or every day. Once they are greater than 14mm, they will start me on Ganirelix.
5/1 - approximate trigger date. I will be triggering with Lupron.
5/2 - BW & US
5/3 - Egg Retrieval
5/6 - 5/8 - Egg Transfer. The timing will depend on how the embryos grow and develop.
SO - that's the tentative time frame. yes, I know it's a lot of detailed information, but part of the reason I'm writing this blog is so that perhaps someone reading this will learn from it, or can use it to relate, or just to understand more about IVF. In the upcoming posts, I may become more emotional - happy, or depressed, or indifferent. One thing I have learned is that the range of emotions can vary day to day; even minute to minute. This is because.. the medication.. the underlying feelings, outside influence. There's a multitude of reasons, but I know they are all normal, and I hope that even on a low day, I am able to find the joy and happiness in this journey, and find the positive light that I will need to get through.
3/27 - BCP D1
4/16 - Last Day BCP
4/17 - Blood work & Ultrasound
4/20 Start meds pending BW&US are normal
112.4IU Gonal F Multi-Dose
37.5IU Menopur
At this point, everything is based on my follicle size. I will be going in for monitoring every other day, or every day. Once they are greater than 14mm, they will start me on Ganirelix.
5/1 - approximate trigger date. I will be triggering with Lupron.
5/2 - BW & US
5/3 - Egg Retrieval
5/6 - 5/8 - Egg Transfer. The timing will depend on how the embryos grow and develop.
SO - that's the tentative time frame. yes, I know it's a lot of detailed information, but part of the reason I'm writing this blog is so that perhaps someone reading this will learn from it, or can use it to relate, or just to understand more about IVF. In the upcoming posts, I may become more emotional - happy, or depressed, or indifferent. One thing I have learned is that the range of emotions can vary day to day; even minute to minute. This is because.. the medication.. the underlying feelings, outside influence. There's a multitude of reasons, but I know they are all normal, and I hope that even on a low day, I am able to find the joy and happiness in this journey, and find the positive light that I will need to get through.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Frozen Babies
So, a dear friend of mine asked me today - "Do you plan on freezing any embryos this time?". Well - Yes. I want to, absolutely. Without a doubt. The problem is that it's not cheap. It's a highly emotional and personal decision. If this cycle doesn't work, having some frozen embryos for a future cycle would make the financial burden a little less, if we ever did another cycle.
There are many options - we could donate them, which basically feels like putting our potential children up for adoption. I would know full well that whomever would get these embies, (as they are so affectionately called by many), would be grateful, and would be wonderful parents and would cherish the baby, because they have yearned and wanted it as bad as I do. But - I have that feeling.. my child could be out there somewhere.. and that makes me instinctively NOT want to donate.
We could donate them to science - for research. For them to run random, weird, crazy tests. To see what happens if they inject jelly bean juice into it. (Okay, maybe they won't do that, but you get the point.. ) This is a very respectable choice - it could potentially aide in the advancement of infertility and IVF. Obviously, the more research they can do, the better it will be for anyone going through it.
Next, we could have then destroyed and discarded. This is what we opted for the first time. I felt bad,but we just could not keep them. So - that's what we did. And I still wish we hadn't done that. I fear, this may be what we have to do again. I'd like to take out a loan, or sell my car, rather than do that, but.. I have to accept that this may be the realistic option.
I get very emotional when I think about it. I know this upcoming cycle may very well be our LAST CHANCE at another baby. If we freeze the remaining embies, that means there could be possibility for a future frozen cycle. If we don't save them, then.. well, if we don't have awesome coverage like we do now (and will only have through June) then we would have to try to come up with money for a full IVF cycle.
Frustrating. Scary. Heartbreaking. I know what I want to do... but I don't know if we will be able to do it.
There are many options - we could donate them, which basically feels like putting our potential children up for adoption. I would know full well that whomever would get these embies, (as they are so affectionately called by many), would be grateful, and would be wonderful parents and would cherish the baby, because they have yearned and wanted it as bad as I do. But - I have that feeling.. my child could be out there somewhere.. and that makes me instinctively NOT want to donate.
We could donate them to science - for research. For them to run random, weird, crazy tests. To see what happens if they inject jelly bean juice into it. (Okay, maybe they won't do that, but you get the point.. ) This is a very respectable choice - it could potentially aide in the advancement of infertility and IVF. Obviously, the more research they can do, the better it will be for anyone going through it.
Next, we could have then destroyed and discarded. This is what we opted for the first time. I felt bad,but we just could not keep them. So - that's what we did. And I still wish we hadn't done that. I fear, this may be what we have to do again. I'd like to take out a loan, or sell my car, rather than do that, but.. I have to accept that this may be the realistic option.
I get very emotional when I think about it. I know this upcoming cycle may very well be our LAST CHANCE at another baby. If we freeze the remaining embies, that means there could be possibility for a future frozen cycle. If we don't save them, then.. well, if we don't have awesome coverage like we do now (and will only have through June) then we would have to try to come up with money for a full IVF cycle.
Frustrating. Scary. Heartbreaking. I know what I want to do... but I don't know if we will be able to do it.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
IVF #1, 4/2008 ER stats
So, as I was going through some old boxes in the basement yesterday, I came across an envelope from SGFC that was never opened, or at least, appeared to never have been opened. I, of course, opened it. It was a copy of our ER stats from the first IVF we did, which resulted in our daughter.
I had 18 eggs retrieved.
I had 8 eggs fertilized normally.
I had 2 eggs fertilized abnormally.
I had 8 unfertilized and discarded.
I requested 2 eggs be transferred.
So - I had, in the end, 8 little eggs, and out of that 8, we put two back. The remaining six, we declined to cryopreserve because we just could not afford it. It made me sad, and even at the time I had heavy feelings in my heart, but the feeling wasn't ad profound as it is now. This time, even if I have to take out a loan, I want to save them.
That's a totally different issue,and we will cross that when we get to that point. The point of this post is - based on those results, I should not have any problem getting eggs this time either, and I am excited to continue with this cycle despite the ongoing and current stress we have in our personal lives. This is a chance we have to take, now. And I know we won't regret it. not one bit.
I had 18 eggs retrieved.
I had 8 eggs fertilized normally.
I had 2 eggs fertilized abnormally.
I had 8 unfertilized and discarded.
I requested 2 eggs be transferred.
So - I had, in the end, 8 little eggs, and out of that 8, we put two back. The remaining six, we declined to cryopreserve because we just could not afford it. It made me sad, and even at the time I had heavy feelings in my heart, but the feeling wasn't ad profound as it is now. This time, even if I have to take out a loan, I want to save them.
That's a totally different issue,and we will cross that when we get to that point. The point of this post is - based on those results, I should not have any problem getting eggs this time either, and I am excited to continue with this cycle despite the ongoing and current stress we have in our personal lives. This is a chance we have to take, now. And I know we won't regret it. not one bit.
BCP D1
Well folks, today I started BCP. So, 21 days of that and then we start Gonal F. I'll get my full protocol once the insurance authorization comes in, which should be within the next week.
Just wanted to update on what is going on!
Just wanted to update on what is going on!
Monday, March 21, 2011
How did I forget?
So, I have everything taken care of. The mock is done, semen analysis done, Injection class scheduled.. just waiting on AF so I can start my BCP's. Oh, and I need a copy of my most recent pap results. But I can just bring that in with me whenever I go in again.
So I called today, my old OB/GYN to see about getting that. The last one they have on record was September of 2009. 2009?!? Are you kidding me? Well, I did go see a loval Fertility doc this past summer - I knew he did an exam.. Did he do a pap... he must have.. right? Except.. he didn't. I saw him in August of 2010, of course he wouldn't have done a pap - I was still current then. Have I really been so pre-occupied with other things I didn't go for my yearly exam? SO - I called my CURRENT doctor, and they were able to get me in next Monday, thankfully - and said results come back fairly quick. I'll have to remind them to rush or whatever they do to get results back quick (the office hasn't proven to be the most efficient). Hopefully, this last little wrench doesn't screw us over. It's getting down to the wire, and I absolutely can not put this off another month. If we have to do that, we may as well put it off forever. Who knows if we'll ever have insurance this good again.. *sigh*
So.. next up, yearly exam. Then next week:How to Stab Yourself. Injection Class
Stay Tuned Folks.. it only gets better from here.. right?
So I called today, my old OB/GYN to see about getting that. The last one they have on record was September of 2009. 2009?!? Are you kidding me? Well, I did go see a loval Fertility doc this past summer - I knew he did an exam.. Did he do a pap... he must have.. right? Except.. he didn't. I saw him in August of 2010, of course he wouldn't have done a pap - I was still current then. Have I really been so pre-occupied with other things I didn't go for my yearly exam? SO - I called my CURRENT doctor, and they were able to get me in next Monday, thankfully - and said results come back fairly quick. I'll have to remind them to rush or whatever they do to get results back quick (the office hasn't proven to be the most efficient). Hopefully, this last little wrench doesn't screw us over. It's getting down to the wire, and I absolutely can not put this off another month. If we have to do that, we may as well put it off forever. Who knows if we'll ever have insurance this good again.. *sigh*
So.. next up, yearly exam. Then next week:
Stay Tuned Folks.. it only gets better from here.. right?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Mock Tansfer..
This morning I went in for my mock transfer. As predicted, it went absolutely fine. It was a lot quicker than i thought it would be.. I'm not sure why I thought it would take longer, but I was in and out in.. 10 minutes. It probably took me longer to pay than to have the procedure done.
The mock transfer, if you don't know, is where they put in a catheter and push water into the tube to be sure everything is clear and there will be no blockage or problem for the actual transfer when it happens. It's painless, just a bit uncomfortable. I get the feeling it is more uncomfortable for other women than for myself, as the nurse kept asking me if I was okay, or if I was feeling okay, and kept apologizing for any pressure. To be honest, my yearly exam is more uncomfortable than that was. Anyhow, the worst part is the rest of the day the fluid kinda just.. leaks. So, you have to wear a pad or panty liner. but even that isn't that big of a deal.
That's all for now - Next on the agenda is my Injection class on March 30th. Between now and then, I need the Hubs to give a sample, and we need to get the pre-auth form from the insurance co. The cycle seems so far away, but I know it will all happen before we know it.
The mock transfer, if you don't know, is where they put in a catheter and push water into the tube to be sure everything is clear and there will be no blockage or problem for the actual transfer when it happens. It's painless, just a bit uncomfortable. I get the feeling it is more uncomfortable for other women than for myself, as the nurse kept asking me if I was okay, or if I was feeling okay, and kept apologizing for any pressure. To be honest, my yearly exam is more uncomfortable than that was. Anyhow, the worst part is the rest of the day the fluid kinda just.. leaks. So, you have to wear a pad or panty liner. but even that isn't that big of a deal.
That's all for now - Next on the agenda is my Injection class on March 30th. Between now and then, I need the Hubs to give a sample, and we need to get the pre-auth form from the insurance co. The cycle seems so far away, but I know it will all happen before we know it.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Not this month..
Well, I went in for my D3 blood work and ultrasound this past Friday. Everything looked great, and I was supposed to start my BCP yesterday (Sunday). BUT - insurance hasn't sent the authorization yet because they need a mock transfer and semen analysis before they will. While Shady Grove can get their end done fairly quickly, I was advised that BCBS (the insurance co) is running about 3-4 weeks to get the Authorizations together. This means I would not have it in time for Shady Grove to order my meds for this cycle. Because they do not like their patients to be on birth control for more than a month at a time, I am holding off on starting the pill until the end of March, which means a cycle the end of April. If I started the pill this month, and I ended up not able to get my meds in time, I would have to wait until the end of April to start the pill, and then a cycle the end of May. I just do not want to wait that long.
Plus, there is a lot of stress going on in my life right now regarding my parents getting a divorce and my mom acting in a way that makes us all believe she has some sort of mental disorder. So, I'm waiting a month, to allow myself to try to become as stress free as possible, continue to get healthier, and maybe lost another 5-10lbs. (hey, weight loss can't hurt!)
I plan to continue to update on things, I want to try and keep this blog related to our journey to baby #2, but I may also update it with other things. ;)
Plus, there is a lot of stress going on in my life right now regarding my parents getting a divorce and my mom acting in a way that makes us all believe she has some sort of mental disorder. So, I'm waiting a month, to allow myself to try to become as stress free as possible, continue to get healthier, and maybe lost another 5-10lbs. (hey, weight loss can't hurt!)
I plan to continue to update on things, I want to try and keep this blog related to our journey to baby #2, but I may also update it with other things. ;)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The truth of it all..
This isn't the first time I've dealt with infertility. I'm almost 30, and 3 years, almost 4 years ago, my husband and I began treatments to have a baby. After a HUGE emotional ride, two failed IUI's, numerous medications and shots in the tummy, we achieved our goal of bringing a beautiful baby girl into this world with IVF and ICSI. Our daughter is now 2 years old, and we are going for number two.
I've struggled with many emotions over this.. from feeling like we don't have a right since we already have one healthy child, to are we tempting fate, to this is an opportunity we can't miss. Feelings that i had the first time around are coming back. Even though I have a child, I still feel pain when, what seems like everyone I know, is pregnant. I know it's because, as an Infertile, we become hyper-aware of pregnant women. It also doesn't help with the fact that my circle of friends all consist of healthy young women who are starting or still continuing to grow their families. I'm happy, not spiteful. There are some of 'us' who are spiteful, who can't stand to look at a pregnant woman or a newborn baby, because the pain is too much, because it fuels anger. Anger at ourselves, our bodies, our God.
As a woman, we are supposed to produce healthy children. I know that for me, I have never been the career oriented woman. Having a fast paced, high stress career isn't something i ever wanted. What I did want, from the moment I held my first baby doll, was that I wanted to be a mommy. I knew I wanted to get married and have kids. Live happily ever after. Of course, as I've grown i have realized it's not that easy, in any of thoe areas, but, I got married, to a wonderful guy ( really, who says "i married a awful guy" ??), and relationships take work, and happily ever after doesn't just land in your lap. At least not for most people I know. When I realized we couldn't have a baby naturally, I was upset. I was determined to do what I had to do. I got excited about finally, possibly being able to have a baby, of my own, to hold and love and cuddle.
Then we did our first cycle. And I was SO SURE it just HAD to work. I mean, why wouldn't it? Well, it didn't. And, I was devastated. It was right around Thanksgiving. Then, we did another cycle, and that didn't work.. that put me right into a very dark place. That year I didn't put up any lights. I didn't even put up a tree. I just went through the motions. Needless to say, our second IUI was a failure. Looking back - how could anything positive come from such a negative point in my life. I can honestly say i've never been in a darker place that I was at that point. After the new year, we took a short break, and in March of 2008, I started birth control again, this time for our IVF cycle. Mid April came the egg retrieval and transfer. and on April 3o, our 2 year anniversary, I surprised my husband with an anniversary card that included a picture of a positive pregnancy test. In January of 2009, Our daughter was born.
So, here we are now, and we are going straight into another IVF. As it stands now, tomorrow I go in for Day 3 bloodwork and ulstrasound, and then Sunday I will start my Birth Control Pills. All I can say is that I am going into this with the same attitude as i did with our first IVF - God will take me through this, and it is His will what happens. I will accept the outcome, and move on. I will learn from the experience. I will not get my hopes too high, but I will not be negative about it. I can only do what I can in regards to eating healthy, taking my meds, and following my protocol. Anything beyond that is out of my control, and I can only pray that God will give me what we pray for.
I've struggled with many emotions over this.. from feeling like we don't have a right since we already have one healthy child, to are we tempting fate, to this is an opportunity we can't miss. Feelings that i had the first time around are coming back. Even though I have a child, I still feel pain when, what seems like everyone I know, is pregnant. I know it's because, as an Infertile, we become hyper-aware of pregnant women. It also doesn't help with the fact that my circle of friends all consist of healthy young women who are starting or still continuing to grow their families. I'm happy, not spiteful. There are some of 'us' who are spiteful, who can't stand to look at a pregnant woman or a newborn baby, because the pain is too much, because it fuels anger. Anger at ourselves, our bodies, our God.
As a woman, we are supposed to produce healthy children. I know that for me, I have never been the career oriented woman. Having a fast paced, high stress career isn't something i ever wanted. What I did want, from the moment I held my first baby doll, was that I wanted to be a mommy. I knew I wanted to get married and have kids. Live happily ever after. Of course, as I've grown i have realized it's not that easy, in any of thoe areas, but, I got married, to a wonderful guy ( really, who says "i married a awful guy" ??), and relationships take work, and happily ever after doesn't just land in your lap. At least not for most people I know. When I realized we couldn't have a baby naturally, I was upset. I was determined to do what I had to do. I got excited about finally, possibly being able to have a baby, of my own, to hold and love and cuddle.
Then we did our first cycle. And I was SO SURE it just HAD to work. I mean, why wouldn't it? Well, it didn't. And, I was devastated. It was right around Thanksgiving. Then, we did another cycle, and that didn't work.. that put me right into a very dark place. That year I didn't put up any lights. I didn't even put up a tree. I just went through the motions. Needless to say, our second IUI was a failure. Looking back - how could anything positive come from such a negative point in my life. I can honestly say i've never been in a darker place that I was at that point. After the new year, we took a short break, and in March of 2008, I started birth control again, this time for our IVF cycle. Mid April came the egg retrieval and transfer. and on April 3o, our 2 year anniversary, I surprised my husband with an anniversary card that included a picture of a positive pregnancy test. In January of 2009, Our daughter was born.
So, here we are now, and we are going straight into another IVF. As it stands now, tomorrow I go in for Day 3 bloodwork and ulstrasound, and then Sunday I will start my Birth Control Pills. All I can say is that I am going into this with the same attitude as i did with our first IVF - God will take me through this, and it is His will what happens. I will accept the outcome, and move on. I will learn from the experience. I will not get my hopes too high, but I will not be negative about it. I can only do what I can in regards to eating healthy, taking my meds, and following my protocol. Anything beyond that is out of my control, and I can only pray that God will give me what we pray for.
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